I like tweeting almost as much as I like not tweeting. Which is a lot. When I tweet, I like trying to unearth something funny or absurd with a short amount of text. As Shakespeare said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” Then again, he wrote that in Hamlet, which is approximately 9,000 pages long. So, who knows?

My tweets are all here.

And here are some of my favorites:

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**RECORD SCRATCH**

You're probably wondering how I keep damaging my record players.

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"We're a wealth management company."
"Yeah, but whose wealth do you manage?"
"Our own, mainly."

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Worried other countries might have their own Shaqs.

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Mamma Mia 3: They're All Phil Collins Songs This Time

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We should never have let the events of “Space Jam” get that far.

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Listened to three Iron and Wine songs in a row and am now a mason jar filled with cranberries and grass 😐

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"Challenged a fifth-grader to a pull-up contest and smoked him!"
"Yes, you mentioned that last week."
"No, this was a new one."

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A deleted "Godfather" scene shows Brando playing "Here Comes the Sun" on acoustic guitar as all the wedding guests look on awkwardly.

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The music box with the tiny ballerina in this prestige drama BETTER NOT SYMBOLIZE ANYTHING.