I’m a longtime contributor at The Onion, America’s Finest News Source. Here are some of the headlines I’ve foisted on the unwitting public.

And below are some of my best Onion features jokes. They’re like headlines, except not at all.

Sample “American Voices” jokes…

Indonesia Bans Sex Outside of Marriage
”Can I just get community service if it’s a handjob?”

New Poll Reveals Smoking Marijuana More Popular Than Tobacco
“We need you now more than ever, Joe Camel.”

Fukushima Radioactive Water To Be Dumped In Ocean
“So? I live on land.”

Krispy Kreme Offering Free Doughnuts To Vaccinated Customers
“Well, well, well, look who suddenly cares whether I live or die.”

Health Care Workers Trapped In Snow Storm Offer Vaccine To Stranded Drivers
“This is why I always accept injections from roadside strangers.”

Google AI Writes Original Song
“One more way Google is better than my kid.”

“The true test of Google’s AI will be its capacity to feel embarrassed by this song in the years to come.”

Steve Bannon Sets Sights On Spreading Far-Right Europe With New Foundation
“Ooh, he should check out Barcelona!”

Facebook Planning To Launch Satellite To Provide Internet To Underserved Parts Of World
“Haven’t these people suffered enough?”

Smokers Face Tougher Job Search
”Makes sense. Who wants to hire someone cooler than them?”

Krispy Kreme Sold For $1.35 Billion
“It’s times like this I wish I had $1.35 billion.”

“These investors are mere stewards. Krispy Kreme will always belong to the people.”

Deep Voices Evolved To Scare Enemies
“Thanks, but my unsettling leer has been working just fine.”

Herpes Administered To Invasive Fish
“I remember when giving a fish an STD was a job for the free market.”

Scientists To ‘Resurrect’ Giant Tortoise
“I commend these scientists for finding such a boring way to play God.”

Sample Infographic jokes…

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact
MYTH: The proposed border wall between the U.S. and Mexico isn’t financially or logically feasible // FACT: We’re building that wall, believe me

A Timeline Of Marijuana Legalization
1969: President Richard Nixon urges strong anti-marijuana legislation as part of his signature “War on Blacks” initiative

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws
CON: The phrase “poll tax” has better ring to it

CON: Representative government not totally worth giving up on just yet