Here are some of the sponsored articles I’ve written for The Onion. One is about drinking beer. Another is about smelling bad. They often go hand in hand, really.

Report: Mom And Dad’s House Starting To Smell Like Grandma And Grandpa’s House (Sponsored by Febreze)

Guys’ Weekend Getaway Begins With Daring Purchase Of New Kind Of Beer (Sponsored by Enjoy Illinois)

Friends Regret Encouraging Man To Say What’s On His Mind (Sponsored by Cottonelle)

Hardened Snacker Keeps Trying To Rediscover That First Mind-Blowing Nacho Cheese High (Sponsored by Doritos)

‘It’s Real Easy,’ Declares IT Guy About To Speak Incoherently For Next 30 Seconds (Sponsored by VMware)

As a copywriter for Apple at Work, I helped Apple market its products to other businesses of every size. Here are some examples that are specific to small businesses. You can browse the whole page here.

(My favorite line I had was: “It’s paperwork minus the work. And paper.”)

There are plant-based burgers, and there are plant-based BURGERS. NotCo is legendary for their plant-based products that taste just like—or better than—the real thing. When they unveiled the NotBurger in the summer of 2022, it was with the bold hashtag #BurgerAF. As a writer on the project, I came up with Instagram captions, video ideas, and generally got to spend the day thinking about burgers. (Which I would have been doing anyway, honestly.)

A classic song like James Taylor’s “You’ve Got a Friend” could never be topped… or could it??

No. But as a staff writer for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, I gave it my best shot by writing the parody “You’ve Got a Work Friend.” It’s an ode to the awkward half-friendships of convenience and circumstance that we all form at the office. I feel warm and fuzzy just thinking about it.

Is soccer a U.N. conspiracy? We may never know. But yes.

As a writer for “The Opposition w/ Jordan Klepper,” I created specialized promos for ESPN.com to promote the show’s premiere. Since the show’s perspective was all about globalist conspiracies, the idea that soccer is part of a sinister United Nations plot seemed perfect. And it makes total sense, when you think about it…

Vimeo has a dedicated community of artists and creators who upload millions of videos annually. Of those, hundreds are chosen as Staff Picks by the company’s team of (human, non-algorithm) curators. But of those videos, only a handful are selected as the year’s best.

To honor the creators and brands who stood out from the pack in 2022, we made this Best of the Year page to highlight their work. As senior copywriter, it was my job to… well, senior-ly write the copy for it.

Who said exploring and adventure have to be done in remote, Indiana Jones-ish corners of the world? For Thrillist, I wrote up A City-Dweller’s Guide to Exploration. Turns out the most packed places sometimes have the coolest secrets.

I write advertising, but I also write ABOUT advertising. (I think that’s what meta means? Yeah, let’s go with that.)

These New Yorker pieces — titled “How to Market to Me” and “Your Content Will Resume Shortly” (co-authored with Evan Waite) — and this McSweeney’s piece called “Which Ad Experience Do You Prefer?” are three of my favorite examples.

Illustration by Luci Gutiérrez

As a senior copywriter at Vimeo, customer newsletters were—gasp!—actually a lot of fun to write. That’s because they allowed me to speak directly to users, the people who depend on Vimeo’s products to do the work they love.

The newsletters I wrote usually fell into one of two categories: B2B (business to business) and B2C (business to consumer). In both cases, my job was to keep readers updated on what Vimeo had to offer, as well as to help reinforce a sense of community among users. Here are some examples.

I wrote a humor piece for The New Yorker called “I Live in the City from the Car Commercials.” It was a lot of fun to write because the language is experimental and poem-ish. Also, I got to imagine what living in the city from car commercials would actually be like, which—spoiler—is pretty much a terrifying fever dream.

“Page not found.” Three of the most disappointing words to read online, next to “You’ve been poked.” But 404 pages don’t have to be all bad! As associate editor for Comedy Central’s Brand Creative group, I overhauled our 404 pages to reflect our programming and offer a better user experience. Here are some of my favorites.

I was a writer for the number one late-night show on TV! Whoa! This involved writing anything and everything the show did. Like this monologue segment about the GameStop Wall Street meltdown. (I also did the Don Corleone voiceover, mainly because my wife can’t stand it.) And this musical St. Patrick’s Day cold open. And jokes for this Google-sponsored bit. And—you get the idea.

Ah, the holidays. A time for family, friends, and turning on classic movies to make interacting with them more bearable. Enter TBS Winter Break, a marathon of favorite holiday movies for the 2021 season. Hosted by Amy Sedaris voicing the holiday-obsessed snow monster Carla, this was a fun project to write on, and just the thing to help people finish the year on a high (or egg-nog-drunk) note.

Check out all the videos we made here and here.

Vimeo has a diverse range of users—from marketers to artists to corporations—and they all have different needs. As senior copywriter at Vimeo, I wrote social media ads that spoke to our customers’ specific pain points (sorry, I hate that phrase too), like how to monetize videos, improve corporate communications, and more.

To go along with the ads, I wrote social media post copy, like these examples on Reddit, which were fun because copy there tends to be a little more free-form.

I’m a longtime contributor at The Onion, America’s Finest News Source. Here are some of the headlines I’ve foisted on the unwitting public.

And below are some of my best Onion features jokes. They’re like headlines, except not at all.

Sample “American Voices” jokes…

Indonesia Bans Sex Outside of Marriage
”Can I just get community service if it’s a handjob?”

New Poll Reveals Smoking Marijuana More Popular Than Tobacco
“We need you now more than ever, Joe Camel.”

Fukushima Radioactive Water To Be Dumped In Ocean
“So? I live on land.”

Krispy Kreme Offering Free Doughnuts To Vaccinated Customers
“Well, well, well, look who suddenly cares whether I live or die.”

Health Care Workers Trapped In Snow Storm Offer Vaccine To Stranded Drivers
“This is why I always accept injections from roadside strangers.”

Google AI Writes Original Song
“One more way Google is better than my kid.”

“The true test of Google’s AI will be its capacity to feel embarrassed by this song in the years to come.”

Steve Bannon Sets Sights On Spreading Far-Right Europe With New Foundation
“Ooh, he should check out Barcelona!”

Facebook Planning To Launch Satellite To Provide Internet To Underserved Parts Of World
“Haven’t these people suffered enough?”

Smokers Face Tougher Job Search
”Makes sense. Who wants to hire someone cooler than them?”

Krispy Kreme Sold For $1.35 Billion
“It’s times like this I wish I had $1.35 billion.”

“These investors are mere stewards. Krispy Kreme will always belong to the people.”

Deep Voices Evolved To Scare Enemies
“Thanks, but my unsettling leer has been working just fine.”

Herpes Administered To Invasive Fish
“I remember when giving a fish an STD was a job for the free market.”

Scientists To ‘Resurrect’ Giant Tortoise
“I commend these scientists for finding such a boring way to play God.”

Sample Infographic jokes…

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact
MYTH: The proposed border wall between the U.S. and Mexico isn’t financially or logically feasible // FACT: We’re building that wall, believe me

A Timeline Of Marijuana Legalization
1969: President Richard Nixon urges strong anti-marijuana legislation as part of his signature “War on Blacks” initiative

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws
CON: The phrase “poll tax” has better ring to it

CON: Representative government not totally worth giving up on just yet

My writing is featured in the McSweeney’s best-of book, “Keep Scrolling Till You Feel Something.” In fact, that title comes from my piece! You can read it here. Scroll, and feel something.

Desktop, Mobile, Social

As associate editor in Comedy Central’s Brand Creative group, I wrote promo copy for some of our most provocative — in some cases deranged — stuff. I regret nothing.

I was a staff writer on this satirical news show, which aired four nights a week on Comedy Central. Did the job involve dressing up like a coal miner and kissing the host on camera? Yes. Twice.

Here are some of my favorite pieces that I wrote on.

I’ve written lots of Shouts & Murmurs pieces for The New Yorker, both in print and online. You can see them all here. Unfortunately, I have only been paid in top hats and monocles. I am exploring legal options.

Below is one of my favorites.

An Honest Museum Audio Tour
December 15, 2016 issue
Illustration by Chi Birmingham

Here it is, the “Mona Lisa.” You woke up early for this. You waited in line for almost an hour. You’re now surrounded by seventy people, all trying to catch a glimpse of it. One of them just elbowed you while taking a photograph of it. It’s behind a lot of glass. It’s not very big. What I’m trying to say is: it’s O.K. to feel disappointed.

This powerful self-portrait is from Picasso’s Blue Period—so named because the paint he used was mostly blue. You spent eight dollars on this audio guide.

As the nineteenth century progressed, Impressionists such as Monet and Pissarro continued to divide public opinion—some people thought that the painters should be applying their paint to the canvas differently, while others maintained that the painters were doing the right thing with the paint.

Now we come to the antique-furniture room. Note this intricately carved chair, which was made in 1573. The first person to have sat in it is long dead. Now no one is allowed to sit in it.

As you gaze at this haunting Rodin sculpture, note the contrast between the figure’s blank stare and the tormented curl of his lips. Wait, don’t note that. Forget I said anything. Moving on.

This sculpture, you’ll notice, is a tube sticking out of an orange cardboard box. You’re wondering, Is there something I’m missing? No, there is not. This is a bad sculpture.

Look at this guy. Strolling through the museum without an audio guide—not even a map. Probably thinks he already knows everything. Well, his loss. Remember those neat tidbits about Gauguin’s personal life I told you in the last room? No way this guy knows them. Oh, God, now he’s stroking his chin and nodding thoughtfully at a Rembrandt. Christ. Let’s keep moving. We don’t need him.

This frenetic painting by Jackson Pollock is typical of his drip style, which features gestural splatters of paint across the canvas, and I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that this type of painting is easy, and that you could do it. It’s not, and you couldn’t.

Paul Cézanne completed this landscape in 1879, and you can touch it right now if you want to. Quick! No one’s looking.

This oil painting, like the eight preceding it, is of a table with fruit on it. There wasn’t a lot to paint back then.

Titled “The Persistence of Memory,” this 1931 Surrealist work, renowned for its iconic melting clocks, was painted, by Salvador Dali, in response to a worldwide shortage of dorm-room poster art.

By this point, you might have noticed that the history of Western painting went something like this: First, it didn’t matter whether the people looked realistic. Then it mattered. Then it stopped mattering again. This one is from 1910, when it was no longer mattering so much.

“The Starry Night,” Vincent van Gogh’s 1889 masterpiece, captures a small village beneath a luminous sky. But the painting’s enduring mystery lies in the dark, flame-shaped form in the left foreground. What was van Gogh attempting to convey with these elusive brushstrokes? What might this menacing presence in an otherwise tranquil landscape suggest? For years, there seemed to be no answer. Then we checked Wikipedia. It’s a cypress tree.

As you can see, this room is a bunch of rugs hanging on a wall, so we can skip it.

Your feet must be sore; you’ve been here for two hours. Your young child is screaming. Why did you think a six-year-old would enjoy an art museum? Did you really believe that you were doing him a favor by bringing him here? You’re actively ruining everyone else’s time. And then there’s your other kid, who is bored and resents your very existence. She didn’t even want to come on this vacation, you know. One day soon, she will declare that she hates you, and mean it. This painting is by Courbet.

The gift shop dates back to 1983, but it was made bigger in 1997.

Here’s an FAQ I wrote on personal branding. In it is everything you need to know about marketing yourself to potential employers, romantic partners, and the world at large.

Pictured is a loaf of beer mustard cheddar pull-apart bread I baked for the Super Bowl, which happens to encapsulate my personal brand perfectly.

I’ve written short humor pieces for McSweeney’s since 2010. You can read them all here, but below is one of my favorites. It’s told from the perspective of the Pilgrims the day after the first Thanksgiving. (Things got ugly fast.)

The First Black Friday, by William Bradford
November 26, 2013

And after the feaste, which did consist of water-fowl, and cod and bass and other fishes, and a great many wylde turkeys, the people of Plymouth did retire. And upon awakening they were greeted with many goodly savings, on itemes of considerable necessitie, and just in tyme for the forthcoming holidaye season!

Shoes of sturdy leather were to be had for the low, low sum of a single raccoon’s pelt, and milking cow discounts did flood with joye anyone able to parse the true meaning of “half-off.” Values on corn, squash, peas, and barley likewise were out of this (New!) worlde; and the people’s clamour to purchase a canoe, a novel form of transport that many did consider the hot new gift, was so immense that for some poore souls it did prove injurious.

The canoe came with not one, but two paddles!

Children cried out for the latest in earthen wares, stickes carv’d to resemble swords and lances, and the itemes, most useful in rough housing and horse play, did seem to fly off the shelves, such was the zeale of the demand.

Now as it happened, in the din and the tumulte, a good and freely-thinking Aborigine did stand in his breechclouts and inquire with great clarity the reasone for such monster savings, as well as why they should expire with the sun’s setting, which seemed rather arbitrary when one thought aboute it. But these wordes did fall on ears deafened by rumours of two-for-one buckles, which could be affix’d to one’s shoe or belt, or sportingly to the front of one’s hat—a most unheard-of steale!

Disputes arose. Two men did grow entangled over the proper and true ownership of a paire of stockings, with one and the other both claiming to have mark’d the iteme first. A mirror of good qualitie shattered as two women and a boy not seven years olde contested for it, after which the danger of being cut by brokene glasse did rise considerably, and was the source of great irritance. One large man drew a warlike club, newly purchas’d perhaps, and with it brained another sharply, and then another in an effort to procure his goodes, all the while shouting “rarrr.”

Such was the bloodlust stirred by the rock-bottome prices on this blackest of Fridayes.

And as the Lord pass’d the day into night, the confusion and rage did abate. And the people, having buried theire dead, retired once more, secure in their woolen coverings with the knowledge that this whole thinge, in the coming yeares, would be seen as more or less normale.

We all know mansplaining is obnoxious, but “Dadsplaining”? It’s endearingly lame, which you can see in this short Comedy Central project I did with Tim Duffy, starring Kevin Maher as — you guessed it — Dad.

I won the 2021 Writers Guild of America Award for Outstanding Comedy/Variety Special, and I’m an Emmy nominee, and I won the most improved player award at my high school basketball camp after learning how dribbling works.

I contributed to ClickHole for years after its 2014 debut, satirizing clickbait and the cultural drive for viral content. Here are some of my favorite headlines.

And below are some of my favorite features jokes that I’ve written.

Why These 5 Famous Books Were Banned

The Harry Potter series: These books drew heavy criticism from Christian parents for not giving a more central role to Hagrid, whom they viewed as an obvious stand-in for Christ.

Ulysses: American courts banned this groundbreaking look at the early 20th-century urban Irish landscape after reading the first few pages and saying, “Fuck this.”

The Giving Tree: Too sad.

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8 Things You Did When You Were A Kid That Parents Would Never Let Their Kids Do Today

Bestowing Christian names upon bags of gravel: Three words: Ain’t gonna happen.

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7 Things Every Bilingual Person Knows To Be True

There’s more than one word for “chips”: You know of two ways to say “chips.”

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8 Things All Band Geeks Know To Be True

The timpani contained the curled-up skeletons of their former players: This time-honored band geek tradition goes back centuries.

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Finally, here’s a full article I wrote, “7 Bumbling Dopes Who Died Before They Became Famous.”

I wrote a joke for ClickHole that ended up fooling Anderson Cooper. He went on to address the misunderstanding on his show. I take no pride in this.

OK, I take great pride in this.

I like tweeting almost as much as I like not tweeting. Which is a lot. When I tweet, I like trying to unearth something funny or absurd with a short amount of text. As Shakespeare said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” Then again, he wrote that in Hamlet, which is approximately 9,000 pages long. So, who knows?

My tweets are all here.

And here are some of my favorites:

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**RECORD SCRATCH**

You're probably wondering how I keep damaging my record players.

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"We're a wealth management company."
"Yeah, but whose wealth do you manage?"
"Our own, mainly."

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Worried other countries might have their own Shaqs.

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Mamma Mia 3: They're All Phil Collins Songs This Time

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We should never have let the events of “Space Jam” get that far.

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Listened to three Iron and Wine songs in a row and am now a mason jar filled with cranberries and grass 😐

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"Challenged a fifth-grader to a pull-up contest and smoked him!"
"Yes, you mentioned that last week."
"No, this was a new one."

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A deleted "Godfather" scene shows Brando playing "Here Comes the Sun" on acoustic guitar as all the wedding guests look on awkwardly.

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The music box with the tiny ballerina in this prestige drama BETTER NOT SYMBOLIZE ANYTHING.

I was a writer and editor for The Yale Record, my college humor magazine. Every Tuesday we’d meet to eat pizza and pitch jokes. But mainly eat pizza.

Here’s some of the press my writing has gotten and some interviews I’ve given. (Note: I only sit like that on Wednesdays.)

Best Joke Ever: River Clegg: Maestro of Jokes and Eels

River Clegg on Weird Writing Ideas and Insecure Pirates

River Clegg - On Comedy Writing

Yale Daily News: How to Succeed in Comedy (without the Lampoon)